Songs From My Childhood

I’m not old. I did, however, have a childhood. Here’s a collection of songs I loved back then, and my memories attached to them:

1) Kittie-Charlotte

Kittie were one of the best known of the mediocre non-operatic girl metal bands that emerged at the turn of the century. Pure guilty pleasure this. I remember I had it on a mix cd when I lived in America, not sure where I originally had it from. It saw me through some rough times. Then, a year or so later, I went on a journey in France, real growing up experience. I must have been about 14-15. I stayed for a fortnight in a camp/hostel type place, where I met the first girl I fell “in love” with (it probably wasn’t anything like that, although it felt that way at the time). In a small French town this album was in the bargain bin, and I bought it and loved it all over again. I also bought this album…

2)Bloodhound Gang-Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny

One Fierce Beer Coaster wasn’t the first Bloodhound Gang album I bought. Looking back, it may have actually been the last. I bought it for the Run DMC cover, but the opening track sums up both the album and the band pretty well. When you’re a kid, this shit is funny.

3)Bad Religion-You

Instantly became my favourite song when I heard it. I liked punk, but the delivery, the vocabulary, and the intelligence in one place… I’d never heard anything like it. I remember it being included on Tony Hawks 2, which still has the finest videogame soundtrack of all time.

4)Monster Magnet-All Shook Out

Already a big fan of MM, I remember God Says No being one of the first albums I eagerly counted down the days to.  I loved it, and this song was among my favourites. It was almost tradition that MM came over to England in March, near my birthday, and at least three (now ex)girlfriends have taken me to see them as a birthday present. They’re playing London in December this year, and I’ll be buying my own ticket this time!

5)Pitchshifter-Down

Not nu-metal, not punk, not industrial, Pitchshifter are one of the most underrated bands this country has ever produced. This song pretty much sums up my summers, dicking about in Harringey, Ali Pali, and Enfield, heading around various skateparks, trying to impress girls, destroying Dazz’s house, and practically living at Andys house. His front door was never actually closed… in fact, I’m sure it once went a week wide open, day and night. Nothing ever got stolen though, because we’d be playing this really loud, as well as the next two…

6)The Offspring-All I Want

7)The Wildhearts-Vanilla Radio

… yeah some damn good skater memories there.

I wasn’t immune to the Nu-Metal though. These guys were so underrated, and awesome when I was 13:

8)hed (PE)-Waiting To Die

This was one of my angry songs. I was never a storm into my room kinda guy, but this made more than enough appearances through my stereo.

9)Killing Joke-Seeing Red

When Killing Joke returned back on the scene in 2002, it was pretty major for me. It was one of the first times I’d heard such a versatile band. I still wasn’t as big into Industrial music as I’d eventually be, but this is what pointed me in the right direction. I love every song from their self titles album (their second one).

10)Janes Addiction-Just Because

Another reformation that got my blood going. Sadly it phased out quite quickly, but this was a cracking tune.

Honourable mentions go to Faith No More, Transplants (almost 10 years since Diamonds and Guns!), Nine Inch Nails and Metallica. If you knew me as a kid, you know that these guys and The Offspring were constantly on my tape player (retro). However, FNM, NIN, and Metallica went on to form my adult taste in music, and the Transplants’ shitty second album automatically omits them from this list. Still, listening to some of these tracks is a mental blast to the past, much like the final three:

Muse-Sunburn

Placebo-Pure Morning

Sugarcoma-Crazy

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Everyone needs to rant

You know what I hate? Parents. Walking around pushing their entitles bundles of shit around in Range Rover size buggies of doom, taking up the space of a small immigrant family on the tube at rush hour. Fuck parents, and fuck those who enjoy parenting.

Being a parent is one of the most selfish things you can do. Firstly, you are making a statement that you are somehow important enough to warrant including your genetics into the next generation of human life, despite having no way to oversee the future generations. You know Hitler, Pol Pot, and all those bad guys? You guessed it: they had parents, who, had they not been so selfish, would never have given birth to such disasters.

Children are crap. There is no way around it. They smell, they’re loud, they have no appreciation of public art. Quite frankly, children are disgusting. They are not suitable for the tube at rush hour, or in any social situation whatsoever. Hell, Butterflies have children that are a different species. Now that is how to avoid children. The children aren’t the criminals though. Parents are. Glaring over their bag of skin with some kind of perverse adoration, oblivious to the suffering of others.

Now some may say that parents are just people, as we all have reproductive organs, but that’s a load of shit. Parents like their children, and enjoy having them. You don’t need to be able to reproduce. Parents can adopt, and lead a human into the world with false hope and promises that acceptance is there for those who wish to find it. Some go crazy, and try placebos, like little wet pubic hair terriers that stink out the whole tube carriage at rush hour. They take up less room, but the comfort that affords you is ruined by the owner holding the stinky piece of fuck at eye level. It’s about as pleasant as children on the tube at rush hour.

Parents assume that shit is for them, when it isn’t. Like tube seats at rush hour. If you get pregnant, don’t go to work. Go away, to pregnant land. Those “step free access” elevators in certain stations are for disabled people you dumb fucks, not for buggies on the tube at rush hour.

 

And more. I’m off the train now.

 

Lady Gaga-Born This Way

Record labels once feared the internet, probably because they never realised what potential it had for developing social tools, and then using them as an advertising dive board to infiltrate the shallow minded mass right at the deep end.

A few years ago, this platform was Myspace, which sadly launched the careers of the Artic Monkeys, and, perhaps a bit more positively, Lily Allen. Now however, you have Twitter, LastFm, Tumblr etc. Not Facebook though, only Mark Zuckerberg and apparently Justin Timberlake  are allowed to become rich from that. No musical talent to see here folks.

Lady Gaga is one of these internet-to-star types, a former songwriter who decided she could do better herself.  Seeing as these guys take up the 50% of the pop industry, that isn’t currently being occupied by whatever democratically-voted-for-warbler-from-whatever-television-reality-show-is-big this-week, this isn’t much of a shock, although considering the substantial success of the pop music situation, you have to really question how bad the music industry really is doing?

Born This Way is a dull title for a dull album, a paint by numbers joke that should be struck off under the trade descriptions act. Unless she was born plagiarising other, better pop artists, then the title is misleading. Obviously pandering to the pro equality youth (read: middle class teens with expendable income, and the adults who missed out on that stage), this is a collection of songs that are crafted to be easy to swallow, and have played at you in a chain pub, usually at volumes designed to tune out the crackling static that the Lady Gaga fanbase has instead of brain activity. Throwing in motivational lyrics such as “I was born this way”, and then juxtaposing them against edgy and controversial lyrics “Judas”… no, sod this, there is no way in which I can seriously critique an album so full of cliché and stereotype, especially as it clearly isn’t meant to be a comedy record. If Lady Gaga REALLY believes that this is good, she’s stupid. If she is doing it to make a fuck load of money from morons, she’s got a good manager. Either way, there is something valuable missing from the whole process: integrity.

Lady Gaga is almost certainly very talented, but she learned early in her career that people paid more attention to her for her stupid clothes and her pop-up-pirate penis, and so stopped making any effort. Maybe she should drop the pretence, and write a song entitled “my fans are all gullible cunts”.

And yeah, I’m going to go there: She isn’t as good as Madonna, but is ripping her off, even down the the British fetishism. Go away Lady Gaga, please just leave us alone.

SOV Review: Geordie Finishing School For Girls

A short one this time.

The premise of this shit is simple. Take some arrogant posh cunts from the home counties, and mix them with some scummy cunts in Newcastle. The whole show sells itself on the concept of both exposing, and attempting to lessen the social inequality gap.  What it does, however, is make it far worse.

The last thing that this country needs is a media fuelled stereotype parade that is as disgustingly overblown as it is  openly discriminatory. So lets start on why this programme is just that. Well, a good place to begin would be the fact that the show is purposefully angled at making the “poor” folk looking better. This is for two reasons, both rather unsavoury. The first would be because “poor” is a bigger market. The are more viewing figures available in that market. The second is that they are statistically more likely to watch this shite anyway. As a “poor” person, this is depressing, but it’s the sad truth of the matter. My issue here is the editing to make the posh people look this way. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m ALL about the class warfare. But I’m also about the fair fight, and to be honest, when I to choose some people to figurehead my social movement, these clapped out teenage whores wouldn’t even figure in the ‘C’ team.

This is actually a serious issue for me. This whole show inadvertently insults me. You see, I’m a below poverty line bloke from the south. Holy shit, is there poverty in the south? You’re damn fucking right there is. I have the old sob story, namely 6 people living in a two bedroom council flat above an Indian takeaway when I was at school. Oh yeah, that beats your suburban two bed terrace in Newcastle. I moved up north for a better way of life, and no, that isn’t a joke. I got one too. So yeah, this representation of folk “from down south” offends me and everything that I, my family and my friends have ever worked hard to achieve. And yes, when I lived up north, I suffered this sort if discrimination (from some very well off northeners. If you have more than one car, or if you own your own home, like many of them do, you’re officially middle class, no matter how much brown ale you drink or how much arse cellulite you flash on Saturday night).

The double whammy comes, however, when you see the “typical Geordie lasses”. Are they fuck? They are skanky brainless, disease ridden whores, like you get north, middle and south, the ones that are harder to get rid of than Aids (and slightly less pleasant to have). These girls do NOT represent the north, or anyone really. They represent stupidity, worthlessness, and terrible upbringing, and you can be born with a whole silver cutlery drawer in your mouth and still end up this useless. This is not the social divide, this is awful television.

The northern girls go on about having no choice and how fate worked against them, and I could (but won’t) stand here a reel off examples that contradict what they are saying. It takes a special kind of talent to make the posh girls be the ones that you are rooting for, and maybe that’s the complete point. I don’t, however see why this would be the case? Why would anyone want to feel for the posh girls? They don’t need it! Like any reality tv show, these people appearing have been vetted by professionals, which means that only the brain damaged and the inbred have made it through to actual screening, thus making this officially the most useless piece of visual garbage since Lady Gaga’s fucking face.

Anyway, don’t watch this. It is insulting to real people, on both sides of the divide, and does nothing to fix it for us, or raise awareness of it for them. Fuck this show, fuck it until it dies crying.